Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
