I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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