Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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