you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
