i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
