Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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