Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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