I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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