1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
