When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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