mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
