explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
