Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
its liver damage thursday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
