I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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