if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
