Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
