I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
