Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
