I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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