I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
