took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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