the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
