I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
