Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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