I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
