If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
