I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
