I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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