tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
