I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
