Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
