we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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