It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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