Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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