even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
3pm strippers are depressing
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
