Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
