omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
