Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
