Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
