Can i not drive my cunt home
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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