Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
