i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
