On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
