soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
