I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Text me some of your sweat
Dear god my vagina.
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