Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
