I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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