This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
