Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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