I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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