Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
