i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
